Starting the conversation

Using something you and/or the young person have seen – such as a movie, TV program, video game, social media post, advertising, or music video – can be a great way to open up the conversation.

When an advertisement uses sexualised imagery to sell something unrelated, or female musicians are sexualised and male musicians portrayed as tough and cool, ask young people what they think about it as a step into a discussion about media influence, which can then become a springboard into a conversation about pornography’s influence. For example:

• Why do you think so many female musicians dress and act like that?
• Why do you think women are so often portrayed like that in video games?
• Lots of the guys act all tough and cool. Why do you think it is so popular?
• Do you think those stereotypes reflect broader culture, or shape it? Or both? Where else do you see those kinds of stereotypes?
• What do you think about how pornography portrays women and men?

Some of the most concerning elements of what pornography conveys are its messages about gender, so a broader conversation about gender stereotypes and roles can provide an entry into a pornography talk, in some instances. Where appropriate, experiences of gender stereotypes – a sexist comment, like ‘don’t be such a girl’ or ‘boys don’t cry’, an aggressive display on a sports field, or the toy aisle in a local store – can be used as a starter. For example:

• Why would being a girl be considered a put down? Why shouldn’t a boy cry? Why do you think people still think like that?
• What sorts of messages about gender (what it means to be a man or a woman, what’s expected/acceptable) do you think are common? How do you feel about them? Do you think they’re healthy? Do they feel limiting? How might they be harmful?
• Where do you think young people get those kinds of messages about gender? What about pornography?
• Do people around you ever talk about the women and men in pornography?
• What do you think about how pornography portrays women and men?

Young people get a range of messages about sex – from family, peers, a variety of media, and broader society – and these can provide a relatively simple introduction to a pornography talk. For example, the sorts of sex scenes commonly seen in movies – in which there is little communication about consent and no discussion of sexual safety – can be used to start the conversation:

• They only just met. How could they work out what they want to do – and what feels good – without communicating about it? It’s pretty unlikely to happen like that in real life.
• How do you think young people learn about sex? Where from? Or who from? Do you get good sex education?
• What about pornography? Do you think young people are learning about sex from pornography?
• What sorts of messages do you think pornography conveys?

We know that many young people are exposed to pornography unintentionally, including through unexpected search results and internet pop-ups. Using a conversation about online safety as a lead into a discussion on pornography can be an effective strategy for conversations with a wider age range, as it is relatively easy to adapt the language used for younger teens. By beginning with an acknowledgement that exposure to pornography can occur completely by accident, this approach also has the potential to reduce any sense of shame or defensiveness a young person may feel about their pornography use, and help them feel more open to discussing pornography. For example:

• How do you have your privacy and safety settings set on your devices?
• Have you ever experienced harassment or bullying online?
• Have you ever had stuff pop up or come across stuff that was weird or not what you were expecting? People often talk about that happening. Often, it’s sexual content. Have you ever had that happen? How did you feel when that happened? What did you think/do?

Exposure to pornography is common, so there are often relevant stories or incidents that can be used as a starter for a pornography talk. For example:

Another young person I work with told me recently that pornography popped up on their phone when they were searching for something else [or someone sent them pornography on social media]. Has anything like that ever happened to you?

Young people are most likely to be exposed to pornography through technology. Sometimes they have their own technology, and negotiating limits and expectations can be very challenging, particularly with older young people. But sometimes the adults in their lives are the ‘gate-keepers’ to their access. A young person’s request to access WIFI or a device owned by your organisation provides an opportunity to discuss expectations and risks, which may include a conversation about pornography.

Practitioners involved at a more intensive level in a young person’s day-to-day care and support, such as in an out-of-home care setting, can link a young person’s request for technology to a broader, structured conversation about online safety, privacy, respect, gaming, sexting, and pornography. For example:

We are really open to you having a mobile phone, but we would need to first have a range of conversations about how you use it and ways to keep safe.

A relatively direct approach to a discussion about pornography is to simply ask about how pornography is discussed and experienced by their peers. (Or you might incorporate this language when you have begun using one of the less direct approaches discussed above.) For example:

Do your friends talk about watching pornography? What sorts of things do they say? Do you think people feel any pressure to watch it? How do you feel about it?

If you know that a young person has seen pornography – for example, because you discover them using it, or they tell you they’ve seen it (perhaps during the course of a conversation you have started using one of the tips above) – you can use the opportunity to help them debrief and critique it. For example:

• How did you feel when you first saw it? What did you think about it?
• What do you think pornography says about women? What does it say about men?
• What do you think about the way people relate to each other in pornography?
• Do you think people really want to be treated that way? Why do you think people like or use pornography?

If it’s appropriate, you can also refer the young person for further help. See the FAQ “I don’t feel good about pornography’s impact on me. Where can I get support?” for more detail.